Beauty in the Broken
I will run every mountain. I will walk every valley. I will trust in the spirit, you're making me new, making me new. I will give you my heart Lord, I've got nothing left. You're making me new, making me new.
My life has taken a few major turns over the past couple of months and as I was laying down last night these words came into my heart and decided they were going make a permanent home there. Well, they actually came in the form of a song, but I will spare you the details of me trying to sing it.
Throughout my life, I have had more friendships and different friend circles than you can think of. I'd give credit to my extra-extroverted (yes that is a thing!) self, but the truth is I feared being alone. The sense of "not fitting in" has always laid heavy on my heart, and for as long as I can remember I have shifted and morphed into the environment and people around me.
Growing up as an only child didn't leave much room for socialization. To add insult to injury, I threw myself into the great (ha) world of gymnastics (that's a story for another time). The only child became the only child who was practicing up to 10 hours a week and traveling every weekend, leaving no real room to make friends. The then-turned quirky middle schooler desperately longed to fit in. By the grace of God, I somehow managed to pull off making cheer for four years. Which led to season #1, always happy. I am thankful for this time, my high school experience is something I will always look back on with a grateful heart. However, having to have a smile pasted on my face became a stigma I carried long after high school was over.
Season #2 came with the cost of moving five hours away and beginning a whole new life. The life I had wedged my way into had come to an end and here I was again desperately longing to fit in. It didn't take long to pick up a new group of friends (remember the whole happy all the time thing? Apparently people like that) To save you from a long-winded story this group quickly showed their colors and I was shown what deceitfulness truly looks like. Breaking trust, and tearing me down, I was now halfway through my sophomore year with a new sense of rejection. These four years came with a good amount of partying and drinking to fill the gap and cure the hurt of the rejections that had accumulated. Thankfully, a couple of people stuck it out with me, and for them, I will be forever grateful.
Season #3. Dallas, TX. If you've made it this far, I won't keep you around too much longer, as this is the season I am currently in. This season has shown more heartache and heartbreak than I could've imagined. I spent the first year here just learning how to adult. Survival mode is the only way to describe the blur of that first year. I threw myself into yet another group of friends and lost myself in the process. Thankfully I met someone who I swear is the best friend I've ever had. She pulled me out of a dark time and shed light on what it meant to be my own person, something I had been struggling with my entire life. I met a guy who showed promise as being the person I had been praying for. It looked a lot like my life was beginning to pan out.
I lost those two people in the course of two weeks. People who promised to stay decided it was easier to leave. I don't fault them. I thank them. The past month has allowed me to dig deep and grow within myself. I am finding my own happiness and learning that it is okay to not have a smile pasted on your face. Something my 17-year-old self would've never allowed to happen.
Thank the people who left. They allowed room to grow. Grieve their loss, feel all of the emotions. Walk through the valley, so that you can run the next mountain you get to. Life happens, and seasons change. Embrace the pain and heartache and use it as fuel to drive you to find yourself. Lean into the promise of the Lord and know he will never take what he can't replace tenfold.
I will run every mountain. I will walk every valley. I will trust in the spirit, you're making me new, making me new. I will give you my heart Lord, I've got nothing left. You're making me new, making me new.